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About Me Varied / Hobbyist Official Beta Tester Rosa20/Female/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 6 Years
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Idk why im still here|Update

Journal Entry: Tue Feb 28, 2012, 10:46 AM


God hasn't killed me yet, and a lot of times I ask Him, "Why not?". To be truthful guys, this year has been a hell for my family and I. I know my older brother would scold me for sharing this, but I have no one else to talk to (besides my fiance, and a few close friends) and this is the only way i can relieve my suppressed feelings. I've read all your comments from my last journal (my sister could be a witness that my eyes wouldn't stop dropping tears for half an hour as i read them), but... i just want to say thank you so much for all of you who took the time to read and to comment. It touches my heart every time i read them... and somehow encourages me to smile and "keep going." So, let me make it clear that your comments are not in vain. I just need time to reply. Im drowned in messages and notes as well :dead:

A quick summary of everything: my biological mom came to visit me for a month because my parents thought i needed her to get better, but apparently it wasn't that simple. I thank my dad and stepmom for their effort and making the impossible to bring her here. She gave me good and bad times, and encouraged me to eat (tho i'm still severely underweight) and learned a few things i can cook. But eventually my parents argued a lot about the past, and blaming each other for everything so... eventually my mom had to go back home. I admit I miss her, but i'm glad i didn't let myself get attached to her again because i knew she had to leave soon or later. Her and I, sadly, aren't meant to live together. It hurts to say it because she's my mom and always will, but nothing more than that. My stepmom will never be my mom, but she's been a much better friend than my mom. But the craving feeling to have a full-time mom will always be there. I hope that if God ever lets me be a mom, I'll be what i need to be for them. Don't ever want my child(ren) to live the same thing i did.
Anyway, in between the period mom has here, my dad and younger brother (16) argued so bad my brother ran away from home and disappeared for a whole week. Ever since my family hasn't been the same. Turns out brother was on drugs (or still is); but thanks to a friend, he got away from the place he was at and started living with that family we've known for years. Why? Because my brother refuses to come home and my dad won't force him either. But at least he has a roof over his head, food to eat, and is still going to school... but yea, i miss him... tho this has taught me not to take things for granted. I wish i would of been a better sister.. maybe things would of been different if i had strengthen my bond with him while I had him.
So aside from that, i've been hanging on. Last Saturday i had a call from the lab and was told i came positive for c diff again. It's my 4th relapse :iconmiseryplz: I hate it, i hate it, i hate it. It won't let me eat, i cringe in pain every night, run to the bathroom all the time. It won't let me live... I don't understand why. On my 2nd relapse, i wasn't helping myself by eating anything so that's how I got anorexic. On the 3rd relapse, mom was here and I was able to eat a little better and even took probiotics... and when i got the 4th relapse, i felt all my and everyone else's efforts and prayers had gone to trash. So ever since I entered severe depression. I know i've been depressed for years, but i've never felt so worthless and miserable in my entire life. Only reason I haven't told my doctor about it is because I don't want to be put on drugs... i'm sure i'll depend on antidepressants if i try them(not to mention side effects). That's how weak my body is. But the thought of dying or killing myself gets into me from time to time. Tho, before I attempt anything, i stop and try to think about my loved ones and all of you guys... it has helped so far.

The morning my mom left (last Saturday), i caught the precious flu. Had fever for 4 days, cough, sore body, stomachache, etc, etc. I couldn't get out of bed for two days straight other than to take my meds, drink water and use the bathroom. I couldn't go to church, and i was away from my family for two days... but eventually i infected them as well :( they hated me for several days. I went to work anyway on Tuesday with fever and when i couldn't take it anymore i decided to talk to my boss and told her i really needed sick leave for a week (that's as much as i can afford). But I still had to help parents at night because they weren't doing good either. Parents, sister and I all went to help out at work as best as we could and we managed to pull through. We're all better, but the cough is lingering. But it's been a week since I worked and was planning to go back today except the stomach ache didn't let me sleep. I know later i'm going to hear my parents scold me for staying home again but i really don't mean it... I wish I could be healthy enough to work my ass off and pay off the $1,100+ i owe the hospital and other medical bills. I gave up on my car because i can't even learn how to drive, had to quit gym, and will cancel my internet just so that i can save and pay for my debts. Life's a bitch.
I'm wondering if there's a way for me to have long-term sick leave, but i'm not sure how that works. I just want to get better so i can work hard again. If i keep going to work sick, i'm eventually going to drop dead there. I'm living a cursed cycle: I get sick (because life is that good) > i can't work = but wait = if i don't work < i don't get payed and I lose my only insurance. So I have no choice but to drag myself to work... at least til i can pay off my medical bills.
I had planned to get married this April, but things don't seem to get better so that's been pushed aside.. :( I want to get better, pay my bills and start my new life already. Fiance tells me i don't have to work, he can take care of that :XD: but i don't like to be a lazy ass. So my plan is that, IF i get better and pay off my debts, i want to work part time only so i have a less stressful life and start school again with one or two classes... i miss it. I miss learning something new, and something that will benefit my family and i better. In life, i don't want a mansion, or be a millionaire, or become a celebrity. I even accept the fact that i won't get cured... but all i want is to live a less stressful life, with the love of my life by my side (with a pen, pencil, tablet and laptop to draw :paranoid:). I forced myself to start watching anime, movies and draw a few things here and there so I can somehow distract myself from this misery.

Life is so short and this is my only opportunity to live... the few or long time i have left to live, i want to live it as best as i can... i really want to live, not just be alive.

Thank you, whoever you are, for taking the time to read and also for leaving a comment if you do. It really makes a difference in my life... :heart:

  • Listening to: Slipped Away | Things Left Unsaid
  • Reading: A Heart for God
  • Watching: Ao No Exorcist
  • Eating: yogurt
  • Drinking: water

deviantID

=leadmare
Rosa
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
To me, art is more than just a doodle on paper. It's about expressing emotions, thoughts and ideas, describing feelings, inspiring others and learning from others, being independent, feeling free and be YOURSELF. Honestly, it's an addicting drug :heart:


Current Age: 19| Current Residence: United States| Favorite genre of music: A variety| Favorite photographer: Ginger Kathreen & Robert Vavra| Favorite style of art: Both Digital & Traditional| MP3 player of choice: iPod itouch| Wallpaper of choice: Horses & Anime|Favorite cartoon character: Spirit/ Rain | Sakura/Syaoran | Balto/Jenna, and many more| Personal Quote: Practice makes perfect :)
Interests

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What improvement does my art need in order to be worth selling anything? 

27%
26 deviants said Overall anatomy
26%
25 deviants said I think your art is good enough (don't lie, be honest plz)
17%
16 deviants said Better hand-drawn backgrounds
12%
11 deviants said Better/different shading
9%
9 deviants said Different coloring style (like..trying out canvas)
5%
5 deviants said Need more neat outlines
3%
3 deviants said Other

Visitors

:iconmushikin:
~Mushikin
May 27, 2012
2:26 pm
:iconchampagnepain:
~ChampagnePain
May 27, 2012
11:48 am
:iconhorsecrazy125:
~horsecrazy125
May 27, 2012
10:50 am
:iconrubylouisa:
~RubyLouisa
May 27, 2012
10:28 am
:iconhorsieotaku:
*HorsieOtaku
May 27, 2012
4:23 am

Comments


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:iconghosthorse13:
~ghosthorse13 4 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Reply
:iconkona4ever:
I'm really sorry about everything that's happening. It must be difficult. Stay strong, though. You've got a lot to live for. You were one of my biggest inspirations when I started getting into drawing. The whole reason I joined deviantart in the first place was because of you and my desire to join "DA herd". Even if that didn't happen, my art has improved tremendously since then. I just want to thank you for that. Art has become a huge part of my life because of you. :hug:
Reply
:iconsweetle:
~Sweetle May 7, 2012  New member Hobbyist General Artist
Your a friend of a friend on deviantart, i thought maybe you would wan't to join a contest of mine heres the link to the journal [link]

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...and stuff
Reply
:iconsprite-light:
~sprite-light Apr 16, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
want you to know that you are amazing & you're my friend until my death. If I don't get this back, I understand. But, I have a game for you, once you read this letter, you must send it to 15 people, including the person that sent it to you . If you receive at least 3 back, you are loved. Nobody knows how important something is until...................they lose it. Tonight, right at 12:00a.m., the person you like is going to realize that they love you! Then, something is going to happen to you between 1:00 & 2:00a.m. Be ready for the greatest shock of your life. If you break this chain, you, you are going to have bad luck with love for a whole year. Send this to 15 people and see what happens ♥♥♥ :3

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the raven blood breed is out now and is going to take over.....
(=||+{-----]=:///\\\
Reply
:iconkittygirl991:
Who are libertad and sol???
Reply
:iconneon-teardrops:
=Neon-Teardrops May 10, 2012  New member Hobbyist Digital Artist
her horse couple

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Please help my dragons
[link] [link]
Reply
:icongabihorsece:
~GabiHorseCE Mar 24, 2012  Student General Artist
[link]

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:bulletgreen:Commissions OPEN!!!

[link]
Reply
:iconthe-lostartistictype:
~the-lostartistictype Mar 24, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
srry wrong pg

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Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you <3
Reply
:iconthe-lostartistictype:
~the-lostartistictype Mar 24, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks 4 the fav

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Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you <3
Reply
:iconbrokenhoofbeats:
~BrokenHoofbeats Mar 24, 2012  Student Filmographer
Happy *late* birthday darling!

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I should probably be working on homework... :paranoid: Oh well!

Icon by *mustang-thunder :heart:
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