God hasn't killed me yet, and a lot of times I ask Him, "Why not?". To be truthful guys, this year has been a hell for my family and I. I know my older brother would scold me for sharing this, but I have no one else to talk to (besides my fiance, and a few close friends) and this is the only way i can relieve my suppressed feelings. I've read all your comments from my last journal (my sister could be a witness that my eyes wouldn't stop dropping tears for half an hour as i read them), but... i just want to say thank you so much for all of you who took the time to read and to comment. It touches my heart every time i read them... and somehow encourages me to smile and "keep going." So, let me make it clear that your comments are not in vain. I just need time to reply. Im drowned in messages and notes as well

A quick summary of everything: my biological mom came to visit me for a month because my parents thought i needed her to get better, but apparently it wasn't that simple. I thank my dad and stepmom for their effort and making the impossible to bring her here. She gave me good and bad times, and encouraged me to eat (tho i'm still severely underweight) and learned a few things i can cook. But eventually my parents argued a lot about the past, and blaming each other for everything so... eventually my mom had to go back home. I admit I miss her, but i'm glad i didn't let myself get attached to her again because i knew she had to leave soon or later. Her and I, sadly, aren't meant to live together. It hurts to say it because she's my mom and always will, but nothing more than that. My stepmom will never be my mom, but she's been a much better friend than my mom. But the craving feeling to have a full-time mom will always be there. I hope that if God ever lets me be a mom, I'll be what i need to be for them. Don't ever want my child(ren) to live the same thing i did.
Anyway, in between the period mom has here, my dad and younger brother (16) argued so bad my brother ran away from home and disappeared for a whole week. Ever since my family hasn't been the same. Turns out brother was on drugs (or still is); but thanks to a friend, he got away from the place he was at and started living with that family we've known for years. Why? Because my brother refuses to come home and my dad won't force him either. But at least he has a roof over his head, food to eat, and is still going to school... but yea, i miss him... tho this has taught me not to take things for granted. I wish i would of been a better sister.. maybe things would of been different if i had strengthen my bond with him while I had him.
So aside from that, i've been hanging on. Last Saturday i had a call from the lab and was told i came positive for c diff again. It's my 4th relapse I hate it, i hate it, i hate it. It won't let me eat, i cringe in pain every night, run to the bathroom all the time. It won't let me live... I don't understand why. On my 2nd relapse, i wasn't helping myself by eating anything so that's how I got anorexic. On the 3rd relapse, mom was here and I was able to eat a little better and even took probiotics... and when i got the 4th relapse, i felt all my and everyone else's efforts and prayers had gone to trash. So ever since I entered severe depression. I know i've been depressed for years, but i've never felt so worthless and miserable in my entire life. Only reason I haven't told my doctor about it is because I don't want to be put on drugs... i'm sure i'll depend on antidepressants if i try them(^{not to mention side effects}). That's how weak my body is. But the thought of dying or killing myself gets into me from time to time. Tho, before I attempt anything, i stop and try to think about my loved ones and all of you guys... it has helped so far.

The morning my mom left (last Saturday), i caught the precious flu. Had fever for 4 days, cough, sore body, stomachache, etc, etc. I couldn't get out of bed for two days straight other than to take my meds, drink water and use the bathroom. I couldn't go to church, and i was away from my family for two days... but eventually i infected them as well they hated me for several days. I went to work anyway on Tuesday with fever and when i couldn't take it anymore i decided to talk to my boss and told her i really needed sick leave for a week (that's as much as i can afford). But I still had to help parents at night because they weren't doing good either. Parents, sister and I all went to help out at work as best as we could and we managed to pull through. We're all better, but the cough is lingering. But it's been a week since I worked and was planning to go back today except the stomach ache didn't let me sleep. I know later i'm going to hear my parents scold me for staying home again but i really don't mean it... I wish I could be healthy enough to work my ass off and pay off the $1,100+ i owe the hospital and other medical bills. I gave up on my car because i can't even learn how to drive, had to quit gym, and will cancel my internet just so that i can save and pay for my debts. Life's a bitch.
I'm wondering if there's a way for me to have long-term sick leave, but i'm not sure how that works. I just want to get better so i can work hard again. If i keep going to work sick, i'm eventually going to drop dead there. I'm living a cursed cycle: I get sick (because life is that good) > i can't work = but wait = if i don't work < i don't get payed and I lose my only insurance. So I have no choice but to drag myself to work... at least til i can pay off my medical bills.
I had planned to get married this April, but things don't seem to get better so that's been pushed aside.. I want to get better, pay my bills and start my new life already. Fiance tells me i don't have to work, he can take care of that but i don't like to be a lazy ass. So my plan is that, IF i get better and pay off my debts, i want to work part time only so i have a less stressful life and start school again with one or two classes... i miss it. I miss learning something new, and something that will benefit my family and i better. In life, i don't want a mansion, or be a millionaire, or become a celebrity. I even accept the fact that i won't get cured... but all i want is to live a less stressful life, with the love of my life by my side (^{with a pen, pencil, tablet and laptop to draw} ). I forced myself to start watching anime, movies and draw a few things here and there so I can somehow distract myself from this misery.

Life is so short and this is my only opportunity to live... the few or long time i have left to live, i want to live it as best as i can... i really want to live, not just be alive.

Thank you, whoever you are, for taking the time to read and also for leaving a comment if you do. It really makes a difference in my life...